I’m writing a political satire slash epic poem slash cat comedy at Wattpad right now called American Cateye, which updates 2-3 times a week, roughly 180-200 words (at 2-3 stanzas) each time; and the main characters are none other than our household’s six cat overlords…
Philosopher Jones, Philo, Da Philla
In American Cateye, Philosopher Jones is like the old librarian who knows all the things—like a cat-shaped Internet.
He is the alpha of the overlords, so even when DeeJAY acts large-and-in-charge, any intelligent observer would know the mastermind behind the curtain.
You could say American Cateye is mostly Philosopher Jones’ story. But there are five other equally awesome cats contributing to the thickening plot…
DeeJAY, Davy Jones, Ch-Ch
Tom, Thomas, Mr. Selleck
Buttercup, BuCa, Buttacuppa
Buttercup says, “We’re a #tortoiseshellcat household.” ❤️ Phoebe says, “We’re also a #bengalcat household.” 🧡 Buttercup says, “Ignore that lady; I’ll give you #catpets to your #heartscontent.” 💛 Phoebe says, “Earn my #kittypets, hooman who loves #sixcats.” 💚 It’s a very happy household, with Phoebe peeling through the bedroom, chasing a fly.
Phoebe, Keetten, One & Only Bengal
Greg, Bowser, Gangster
This is Greg the #tabbycat. He runs into walls like a #MarioKart #Bowser when you play laser pointer games with him. He likes to #cuddle any and everyone. He bites ankles to ask for pets. He meows and purrs simultaneously like it’s an art form. He is #happy to be alive. His favorite petting maneuver is belly-to-armpit rubs; those make him snort with #joy.
Then the Minor Characters
No story’s complete without the minor characters who bring the setting to life.
Meeper the #meyersparrot 💚 Bozo the painted #conure 💙 my #parrot #writingbuddies 💛 they’re always arm’s distance away from my desk—except when Meeper flies into the back room 🧡 Bozo is 16 years old and doesn’t fly as well as she used to ❤️ but she takes super cute baths in her macaw sized water dish 💜 so they get several water changes a day 🖤 so happy to write at home with my #featheredfriends
Periwinkle the Betta Girl
Benjamin Franklin & the Fruit Bloops
Our half-giant #veiltail #betta, Benjamin Franklin, is very camera shy, (he’ll swim to the front of the tank if it’s just you, but avoid things you’re holding near his #aquarium, regardless of if it’s an iPhone or a Unicorno,) but I couldn’t help recording him as he woke up from his nap inside the heart sculpture.
Where Do Chase & I Fit In This?
I’m the assumed translator for our cast of cats.
Also, I’m learning the story the cats tell as it unfolds, right along with the reader; so I’m like that character that’s all skin and no insides—leaving plenty of room for the reader to step into my point of view.
Chase hasn’t come up in the epic poem yet. I think he’s planning a cat comedy of his own for this coming November’s NaBloWriMo, so maybe I’ll try to sync with his idea of where his place is located in that narrative.
Like my fanfiction, Rydia’s Last Cure, the epic poem is one loosely written and fun ride of a project; and I’m having a blast with my prewriting phase too, collecting ideas to make the humor sing. Sharing a few of those ideas below…
4×4 Proof that Cats are Aliens
I’ve taken 4 notes from the following 4 videos for why cats are aliens.
- they speak in a Morse-code-like chitter we mistake as chirping
- if they elevate the octave of this chirp, they send deadly sound waves at prey
- their ears can hear across dimensional barriers
- their mouths lead to other dimensions
- they also verbalize in alien tongues
- they also turn household objects into portals
- defy gravity
- change from solid to liquid
- they taught our world’s biological life how to laugh; laughter would otherwise not exist on Earth
- also taught humanity skirmish warfare
- have higher murder rates than Earth-evolved animals
- break the speed of cuteness the way jets break the speed of sound
- they like to taste you
- study human technology
- especially investigative of water
- capable of telepathic communication, if only humans were equally advanced